• Lisa Alex Gray

How to Beat Your Hair into Submission

Hair Wars 101

I had to make an emergency hair appointment the other day because I couldn't take my current hairstyle any longer.

Somehow, my hair had morphed me into some kind of serious, no-nonsense, grown-up overnight!

You may be thinking - wait a minute, that's a lot of power to give one head of hair - what makes you so sure?

Well, I agree it may not seem plausible for my hair to morph itself into a dowdy, grown-up hairstyle, but I have no other explanation. I'm a card-carrying member of the Peter Pan club, so I couldn’t possibly have been involved in this transformation.

And my hips, butt, and thighs have been on a mission to bust me out of all my clothing, so they're way too busy to pull off this off.

Plus, the rest of my body was committed to youthful fashion, like my, “Stoked All Day” t-shirt.

Okay, maybe that’s a bad example. I just Googled the word “stoked” and it's from the 1950s.

Anyway, my point is the only thing that was looking all grown-up and no-nonsense was my hair, so for now, that’s who I’m blaming.

I actually think we've given our hair way too much freedom and it’s getting cocky.

Back in the fifties women basically had two ways to wear their hair, backcombed and down, and backcombed and up.

Now the styles are limitless and our hair has become drunk with power.

Case in point, this morning my husband was getting ready for work in the bathroom and was engaged in a full-on battle with his hair.

As I joined him in the bathroom, I couldn’t help but laugh.

Of course, this was only because I was experiencing temporary Hair Amnesia; an inability to recall my own bad hair days.

Then I looked in the mirror and screamed, what the heck happened to my glorious Victoria Secret bed head? After all, that’s what they promised me at the hair salon the other day.

You see, I came up with this idea to get a layered haircut that would allow me to wash my hair at night, then through gentle tossing and turning my hair would transform into a soft, bouncy bed head by morning.

My hairdresser assured me it would work like a charm.

I now realize she was just a hair enabler, because what was staring back at me in the mirror, was more morning meth-head, than morning bed head.

In retaliation, I yelled at my reflection in the mirror, "It’s on now you ungrateful strands of dead protein!"

I heard my husband laughing from the other room, he'd already waved the white flag on his own Hair War 15 minutes earlier.

Like his, Hair War could even be compared to mine? How can you go to war with something 1/2 inch long?

Men are so lucky. Not only do most men wear short hair (aka, smaller enemy) they’re able to pull off a fatal TKO hair blow when they’ve had enough - and shave their head.

That's why men with shaved heads always look so confident. They stand victorious, having beaten the hair bastard once and for all.

If only there was a way for women to have this victory. But shaving our heads is a pretty radical step, besides our headbands, would keep falling off.

In lieu of a better solution, I came up with a temporary fix, that will not only give me a youthful look (no more grown-up hair) but also will put my hair in handcuffs - T.K.O. Mofo!

I’m back to wearing pigtails again.

I may look a bit deranged with pigtails at age 54, but I’ve decided I’ll take deranged over grown-up any day.